


The Wound and its Worth

by nukablastr



Series: Sun in the Morning [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Coda, Episode 19x09 - Gone Baby Gone, Episode Related, Established Relationship, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-28 16:00:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13274940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nukablastr/pseuds/nukablastr
Summary: As they stood together in the lobby of Liv's building waiting on the Lyft that Rafael had called, Sonny slid his arm instinctively into the angle of his elbow. "That was nice," he said, then after a beat added, "Uncle Rafa.""God," he muttered, his own smile traitorous. "I'm glad you enjoyed yourself. Perhaps we should set up play-dates for you and the other kids more often.""Hey," Sonny leaned into him. "You're just jealous that Noah thought my robot was cool."--A coda to the events of 19x9, in which Rafael deals with his feelings about children.





	The Wound and its Worth

**Author's Note:**

> My (un-beta'd) tiny attempt at dealing with FEELS after that episode (or really the last 2 minutes). As usual, I own nothing aside from my cats, and I apologize for anything I didn't catch in the process of editing. My aim is to be as canon-compliant as I can be.

Rafael stood with Liv in her small kitchenette, watching the evening engulf the rest of her guests in its warm embrace. Amanda had taken to the couch with Fin, leaving Jesse to continue playing with Noah and Sonny at the coffee table. She and Fin were chatting aimlessly, lightly, about something he couldn’t quite make out at that distance. Really, all conversations in that apartment were just treading feather-light around the events of the days before. The fact that they were all here now, tucked tight into Liv's apartment, it was a blessing none of them had been so sure they'd receive.

"It'll pass," he said to Liv as she handed him a glass of wine, twin to her own. "The jumpiness, the fear of strangers. It will."

Her expression was doubtful, the dark line she drew with her lips mirrored in her brow. "Maybe it shouldn't, though. Maybe all of this," she gestured with her glass, "maybe it's just luck that we made it back home." That last word caught in her throat.

He took a sip of his wine, not knowing how to respond. He'd already failed spectacularly in that department with her; already somehow chastised her for being in this situation to begin with. Truthfully, he couldn't begin to imagine what she'd gone through, and the enormity of it scared him. What a simple turn of phrase, he thought then, to express the inability to imagine something. So freely offered, too, in light of someone else’s struggles. As though if he said it to her now it could begin to absolve him of everything he’d lacked.

Rafael caught Liv's distant gaze and turned his attention to the living room, watching as Jesse, free now from her mother's tight company, shied her way around the table to examine what Sonny had been working on with such concentration. Sonny welcomed her addition easily, tucking her into the space made between his arms as he continued to build upon on his squat looking robot. He was ardent in his attempts, earnest in seeking approval from Noah after every major addition he made, which in turn lit the boy like a Christmas light with every suggestion he offered.

He cast his gaze back to his own wine, the rippling velvet in his round glass, and smiled into the abstract reflection held there. Smiled against the fault-line that had erupted across his chest at the living room sight. Rafael had never been much for little children. They were leaky, impossibly fragile bundles; puzzles he could never quite figure out. They regarded him in kind, adopting a tense sort of worry when placed in his presence, and so he figured the feeling was mostly mutual.

He'd been grateful that in his line of work, in his favored social circles, children and child-rearing rarely came up in conversation. A few of his friends had children, mostly teenagers now, made infinitely more tolerable company by their ability to reason. None of his friends had been the type to particularly question his stance on children over the years, and so he'd never given the concept much thought.

He snuck another furtive glance over his glass, watching as Sonny fixed a loose barrette in Jesse's hair as though it were second nature, all deft fingers weaving plastic into a tight twist of golden hair. He has nieces and sisters, Rafael reminded himself. It likely _was_ second nature to him.

Liv led them back to the living room, quickly abandoning her half-drunk wine glass on a far table to take the available seat on the floor beside Noah. She reminded Rafael in that moment of someone in worship, quiet prayer, reaching out to touch him lightly as though he might shy away, as though it might break her if he did.

The closest approximation of feeling he could come to as he watched Liv was the night that Sonny had darkened his doorstep again, brave after all they'd been through. How he looked framed in the doorway, a tight vibration of nerves and panic. How Rafael had felt that evening when Sonny finally succumbed to sleep; how he'd spent hours awake, imagining the constellations of blood splatter across Sonny's features, imagining the infinite branches of the universe, realities where the scenario played differently, where he'd been shot in the face instead of showing up.

"Uncle Rafa, look what Uncle Sonny made!" Animated, Noah pointed across the table at Sonny as he clicked a brick into place with his pink-tipped thumbs.

Noah's voice drew him back to the surface, the scene in front of him having been obscured by those dark twists of memory. "Oh. Huh. What'd he make?"

Sonny held up his mottled creation for inspection. "A robot with a jetpack." His tone was triumphant in a way that made Rafael think of what Sonny must have looked like as a child, how it couldn't be too far from the vision sat in front of him now.

"A robot with a blaster and a jetpack," Noah corrected, then added, "You should put another blaster on his other arm so he's more powerful."

Rafael chuckled. "Sounds like a wise decision."

"Yeah, Noah here's got a bright future in robot design," Sonny said, reaching out to rifle through the stray Legos on the table. "Hey, you gonna have a seat _Uncle_ _Rafa_?" His emphasis on the title was noted, as was his impish sort of grin as he said it. As Rafael moved to retake his spot on the floor, he resolved to return the favor in spades.

But any inclination to get the upper hand was quickly tempered by the soft squeeze Sonny gave his forearm, the ridiculous waggle of his eyebrows, his absolutely winning expression partly obscured by the crown of Jesse's head. Rafael was entirely at a loss for words, but unlike in the days before, it was a feeling he occupied gladly.

\---

They weren't the first to leave; Fin earned that distinction, though he triple-checked with Liv that his departure was okay before heading out. They were all slow to leave like this, none wanting to pop the seal on the safe bubble they'd evoked, to wind down their celebration. Amanda chose to stay on, Jesse having fallen asleep on the couch in the interim, head in her mother's lap, a foot kicked over Liv's lap beside her. Noah still busied himself on the floor with the legos as Sonny and Rafael made their departure, though everyone could tell the boy was fighting sleep valiantly.

As they stood together in the lobby of Liv's building waiting on the Lyft that Rafael had called, Sonny slid his arm instinctively into the angle of his elbow. "That was nice," he said, then after a beat added, "Uncle Rafa."

"God," he muttered, his own smile traitorous. "I'm glad you enjoyed yourself. Perhaps we should set up play-dates for you and the other kids more often."

"Hey," Sonny leaned into him. "You're just jealous that Noah thought my robot was cool."

“Sure, we'll go with that,” he said, occupied with the map on his phone. "Anyway, looks like he's on the block, let's go."

Outside the building, the cold night cut sharp against their faces and they leaned into each other easy, buffeting against the wind. Sonny opened the back passenger door for Rafael, chivalrous to a fault, then rounded the car to join him on the other side.

He chatted with the driver about the recent spat of weather and the latest sports scores as the man navigated the dense city streets. Sonny took some sort of perverse pleasure in striking up an amicable conversation with just about anyone, and it charmed Rafael to witness, though he’d never admit it. Instead, he watched the world drift by their windows, letting Sonny tangle their fingers as he compared the records of basketball teams with their driver.

\---

"I'm beat," Sonny announced once they'd made it in the doorway of the apartment, neither bothering to turn on the lights. Sonny slipped off his own jacket and retrieved Rafael's dutifully. "Think I might just head to bed," he said as he hung the jackets in the small closet tucked into the entryway.

"Sounds like a good plan," Rafael said as he headed towards the bedroom himself. He couldn't help adding: "All that construction wear you out?"

"Ha ha," Sonny emphasized each syllable as he followed, unbuttoning his flannel top as he walked. "I'm serious. It's been..." he trailed off, then shook his head, "crazy."

"An understatement," Rafael said in agreement. He retrieved pajamas from his dresser, pausing to watch Sonny behind him in the mirror as he pulled on a ratty college shirt from a small pile of clothes by the bed. The familiarity of it, this very scene, how many nights they'd worn the same tracks in this room, it overwhelmed him. He felt like he had in Liv’s kitchen, that chasm tearing across his chest.

"You were really good with them, you know?"

Sonny looked up, meeting his gaze reflected in the mirror. "What's that?"

"The kids," Rafael turned to face him, leaning back against the dresser and allowing his weight to slide the drawer shut.

"Oh," he chuckled, as though it had been an off-handed thing to say. "Yeah. Kids seem to like me. Don’t know what that’s all about." He shot Rafael a cocky smile, the kind that always invited challenge.

Never one to back down, Rafael was quick to reply. "They see you as one of their own."

"And just when I thought I was getting a compliment," Sonny said, his voice dripping exasperation as he slid his pants to the floor.

Rafael looked to the pajamas he held in his hand, fearing that watching Sonny too intently might change the tenor of the conversation. "Is that... something you want?"

Sonny drew a pair of sweatpants from his pile. "What do I want? A compliment? God only knows--"

"Kids."

"Kids?” He furrowed his brow, “Like... havin' kids?"

"Yes. Well, you know..."

"Like... us?"

It was a strange moment Rafael found himself suspended in then: Sonny standing dumbstruck and staring, one leg in a pair of sweatpants, the other bare and beside them.

He focused his attention on some point in the distance. "In... general."

He didn't like to talk about the possibility of the world beyond the partnership they'd formed, so tenuous at times, barely settled even now. And yet, the conversation was decidedly a few steps further than they'd progressed, Sonny currently living many nights out of a growing pile of clothes that he’d leave there.

"Huh. I guess I never thought about it like that really.” He stepped his other leg into the sweatpants. “Maybe. It depends, I guess."

"Hm." Rafael couldn’t find it in himself to broach the bigger topics, so he changed into own pajamas and Sonny disappeared into the bathroom.

He reappeared a few moments later in the doorway, wearing the same shade of confusion that he’d left with. "Are you gonna tell me that you're baby-crazy now or something? Cause you saw me building legos with our friends' kids?"

"God no," Rafael said as he climbed onto his side of the bed, settling back against his puffed pillows and fussing with the few things he kept on his bedside table.

"Okay, interesting answer." Sonny joined him atop the covers of the bed, leaning into his own pillows and regarding Rafael with a sidelong glance. "So then... you're telling me that you don't want kids."

He groaned. “The world isn't so black and white, Sonny."

"Deflection, counselor," he said, his tone infuriatingly light.

"I just... god, can you imagine what Liv has just been through? What she's going to go through every single day with Noah? Every time she sees him talk to a stranger? Every time she has to turn her back on him? Every time he..." Rafael trailed off, rubbing at his brow.

"Oh," Sonny said softly, as though he understood the rambling to be the cipher to unlocking the heart of it all.

They were quiet then, Rafael regarding the silvery moonlight in the window, Sonny inching closer until he could get a long arm around Rafael's shoulders. They sat that way for a while, Sonny's thumb idly tracing the curve of his muscle as he loosened from the grips of the panic that had overtaken him.

"I mean, shades of it probably," Sonny ventured, breaking the silence. "Understanding, I mean. Thinkin’ about if it were my nieces, I imagine whatever I'm feeling then is like a tenth of what their moms would feel."

"And you'd go into that willingly?" Rafael knew his own answer in a sense; he'd answered it himself the morning after Sonny had shown up, shaken from his near-death experience in the unfinished attic of some maniac's house. He'd answered it when he asked him to stay, when Sonny said no, when he left and tore down everything in his wake. Rafael had answered it by waiting, enduring the wound for its worth.

"I would," Sonny said, his head drifting down into the crook of Rafael's neck. "I mean, if that's where my life was headed," he added, tensing slightly. That nagging worry hadn’t left either of them yet, that a simple phrase could unwind them. It was still too new.

Rafael twitched his shoulder, an unspoken direction, and Sonny pulled back, withdrawing his arm with a frown. He turned to study Sonny’s face, the shadows that hung under his lidded eyes, that hint of a pale scar across the bridge his nose from the blunt end of Lieutenant Murphy's gun, the trace of dimples always half-ready to explode into a smile. His heart swam with the sum of all those parts, the things that made Sonny so entirely himself.

"I would too," he said, finally, hint of a smile breaking through. "Though, I’d leave the Lego building duties to you."

"Oh okay," Sonny returned the smile, dimpled, lighting the room with it. He rolled onto his knees and caged Rafael back into his pillows. "See, I can just teach you how to build cool Lego robots if that's what this was all about."

Rafael ran his fingertips along the hem of Sonny’s threadbare shirt, encircling his hips and sliding palms beneath to meet the warm comfort of his skin. “I like your humility most of all.”

“Come on, did you even _see_ it? It had a jetpack.”

He inclined his head, and Sonny caught him there in a leisurely kiss, relaxing his body down, pinning Rafael beneath that perfect weight.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks as always for tuning in <3 your feedback means the world.
> 
> If you're lookin for a tumblr friend who posts about SVU too much: [dis me](http://oh-little-owl.tumblr.com).


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